How many layers, veils, coats of distraction do we have?
It makes no comprehensible sense that we cry pangs of longing with distractions engulfing us.
If you’re concerned about my inattentiveness, it’s not because I’m not present, I am. I really am here, but not where you’re looking.
I’m the spaces between words, the lines between paragraphs and the borders between pages.
I’m the gap in your front teeth, the space between your eyes, and the area from navel to neck.
I’m the valley between mountains, the breeze skirmishing between trees and the wind beneath eagle’s wings.
I’m the silence between thunder, the quiet before the storm and the deafening after lightening crackle.
Wherever you look, you won’t see me because you’re so used to seeing only what’s manifest in front of you.
I work in the shadows, I walk without name, and I cannot contain myself, but you still wouldn’t know it’s me.
I revel in this loneliness, the silence and the anonymity, because even if I showed you, you wouldn’t believe it’s me.
I’m nothing you’d expect to see.
It’s quite fine by me, thirty eight years of it and it’s the only way you know after a while.
I have family, I have a friend and I know a few people but they see it as insanity. I see their snarls, I don’t fit their moulds, and their suitability boxes aren’t ticked.
But when the shit hits the fan, they remember me. The guy who can fight, the guy who can write, the guy who’ll stand up and the guy who’ll shout.
The guy who knows no fear, who lones it year to year.
I’m that guy you want by your side down a back alley, next to you when you’re struggling to breathe and consoling you when life gets too much.
I’ve spent all this time alone so I can figure out the things you all struggle with because you don’t want to be alone.
Over eleven years ago I raised my heart on a temple step and asked God to make me invisible. I said it like a child wishes for superhero powers in their daily role play amongst peers.
I wanted out of this world; I wanted a suicide, not of the bodily kind but of being seen.
I must have been granted thousands of wishes and had endless supplications in my life answered, oblivious to them all as I take them for granted. But this one request I had was heard and it has been the best thing that has happened to me as people literally flaked off my life’s shoulders and withered away.
As I have mentioned in another post, I have a very high wall. Since then, only a few people have climbed over. I value those people; they’re courageous and courteous to my nature. I can count them on one hand!
When the fire of this world,
bellows it’s breath in your face,
allow it to.
Let it burn you enough,
so that you may long for its exit,
and back to the source of all comfort.
We’re insatiable creatures,
limited by superficial observances,
felt through the skin,
relying on the senses to guide us through,
but we end up disappointing ourselves,
over and over.
We dull our souls,
and numb our hearts,
to the exclusivity of worshipping our minds,
Ego has no limit,
it will indulge,
until it kills you,
whilst you walk alive.
Kill it instead, to live.
When it dies,
inevitably, it will be slow and painful,
you begin to revel in the pain.
Sadistic to a tee,
you’ll welcome the pain,
as the familiarity of cleansing,
You learn that pain is expiation,
suffering is expiation,
grief is expiation,
but revelling in the expiation itself,
is arrogance, avoid that.
Once the trivialities are out of the way,
the fog will clear,
and the rope will be apparent.
All along it was there,
dangling before you,
waiting for you to clasp it,
and climb towards Him.
One day when I was a boy, loneliness visited me.
It showed me the way of the world.
It promised it would not betray me like they.
As such, it has proven a noble companion.
It never strays far from my side.
Ready to take the blows of whatever anyone may throw my way.
Got words? The emptiness of my soul will allow them to pass through.
Got guns? Shoot your bullets as my invisibility fails your aim.
Got fists? The body has become numb to sensation.
Got abandonment? Thank you for adding fuel to my fire.
Got love and companionship? That’s where loneliness leaves me in a dark alley way,
Paralysed and ineffective, the cryptonite of it’s power.
What if I wanted to be a ghost?
Long ago I raised my heart on the steps of your temple,
I asked of you to make me invisible,
Now I balance the sword you gave me carefully.
No longer can anyone see me,
I may as well be dead.
But now I see my Self ever so clearly,
And that is worse than others seeing me.
They told me, go for a walk, get some shut eye, clear your mind.
What would they know? Mindless drivel at it’s best because what they don’t realise is, I don’t want my mind cleared.
No, I’m quite happy lingering in these thoughts, sifting through the web of confusion, the echoes of pain that percuss off the valleys and mountains of my soul, haunting it with a northerly wind carrying the scent of uncertainty, through rocks, rustling restless leaves until they settle on the garden beds of meadows and compost into the soil of my heart.
I’ll sit right here in this corner, away enough for you to not be the piece of furniture in your way, quite content to have these thoughts punishing me, rummaging through my being enticing every cell of my body to engage in recreating memories or forging the future.
What you don’t realise is that clearing your mind is emptying your soul of substance.
Pain is there to help you grow.
Confusion is there to help you figure things out, to allow your brain to exercise.
Sadness is there so you may elate in the joy and know it’s value when it hits you in the front teeth, lest you remain an ingrate.
The voices are there not because you’re a schizophrenic, but because they’re meant to keep you company and offer you another perspective to the one you harbour in your heart, be it at the opposite end of the spectrum or merely a few inches away from where your thoughts currently reside, still you need something off course to correct your path and purify it.
Anger is there to keep you on your toes, alert so you never sway from clarity of purpose.
Whatever it is, don’t be a numb and mindless drone, subservient to the commands of the mundane. Ride the edge of your character and crack its whip until your fingers bleed or your mind annihilates.