It’s just not right. If this is you then you should feel ashamed. I’m talking about all you insecure hipsters that need to justify their significance by cafe surfing and ordering half a weak, decaf, stevia sweetened, soyacino to somehow make up for the three hours you spend hogging a table at a cafe so you can ‘ahh maa gaawd’ gossip about how your $6.95 pedicure wasn’t justified because they used a generic brand moisturiser on your feet afterwards and you, little Miss special, deserve Israeli dead sea products extracted from the floor beds by humans who scuba dive only to satiate the moisture content in your feet….. all for $6.95. Aside from how shitty that is, if you can’t down an espresso with love or a latte without sugar or you drink soy or skim milk for any reason other than dire medical reasons, then I hate (ok, I really actually love it) to break it to you, you’re not a coffee drinker.
But at least the complaint about the pedicure is consistent with your miserly insensitive ass. You waste all that time sitting at the cafe, are conscious of people standing in cue to be seated, people with money and a real desire to spend it, have a breakfast or lunch or like me blow wads on coffee because we’re addicts and yet you sit pretending you have something important to talk about and it has to be done at a cafe, with your friends and make up on and your favourite Coach clutch bag. It’s even uglier if you’re a male and doing this and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
This reminded me of Dave Barry. Funny but true he said,
‘It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity’.
Said in jest, it still has truth in it. If you are seriously not a coffee lover, then find somewhere else to go.
I think Dave was being kind. These cafe hogs are more like cafe squatters, they sit on real estate without paying for it. No, $4.50 does not grant you the right to sit for three hours. Neither does $100.00.
You see, in the three hours you spent dawdling about your difficult week because Joe from the office didn’t reply to your facebook message in three seconds flat, the potential for other customers to be served, who understand the etiquettes of cafe culture was diminished. You failed to comprehend the polite hints of the waiter/waitress gentling trying to probe your consciousness into wakefulness by asking ‘how everything was’ as you breath over your one cup. Asleep and oblivious, ignorant and self absorbed you didn’t hear the undertones of “Your ass is not buying shit, so get the fuck out, we have waiting customers to serve”. You’re far too high above that, your $4.50 earned you the right to own that place and then you’d go and write a negative review because your coffee was cold when you remembered to drink it between your lame gossip and social media updates.
So please cafe hogs, do the world a favour and buy your coffee take away and go and sit in a park, a car or in the gutter, I don’t care but leave cafe’s alone for paying obliging customers who are mindful that the place is a business and others are waiting to give their money. The world doesn’t revolve around you so wake the fuck up.
