Cafe Hogs

Cafe Surfers

It’s just not right. If this is you then you should feel ashamed. I’m talking about all you insecure hipsters that need to justify their significance by cafe surfing and ordering half a weak, decaf, stevia sweetened, soyacino to somehow make up for the three hours you spend hogging a table at a cafe so you can ‘ahh maa gaawd’ gossip about how your $6.95 pedicure wasn’t justified because they used a generic brand moisturiser on your feet afterwards and you, little Miss special, deserve Israeli dead sea products extracted from the floor beds by humans who scuba dive only to satiate the moisture content in your feet….. all for $6.95. Aside from how shitty that is, if you can’t down an espresso with love or a latte without sugar or you drink soy or skim milk for any reason other than dire medical reasons, then I hate (ok, I really actually love it) to break it to you, you’re not a coffee drinker.

But at least the complaint about the pedicure is consistent with your miserly insensitive ass. You waste all that time sitting at the cafe, are conscious of people standing in cue to be seated, people with money and a real desire to spend it, have a breakfast or lunch or like me blow wads on coffee because we’re addicts and yet you sit pretending you have something important to talk about and it has to be done at a cafe, with your friends and make up on and your favourite Coach clutch bag. It’s even uglier if you’re a male and doing this and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

This reminded me of Dave Barry. Funny but true he said,

‘It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity’.

Said in jest, it still has truth in it. If you are seriously not a coffee lover, then find somewhere else to go.

I think Dave was being kind. These cafe hogs are more like cafe squatters, they sit on real estate without paying for it. No, $4.50 does not grant you the right to sit for three hours. Neither does $100.00.

You see, in the three hours you spent dawdling about your difficult week because Joe from the office didn’t reply to your facebook message in three seconds flat, the potential for other customers to be served, who understand the etiquettes of cafe culture was diminished. You failed to comprehend the polite hints of the waiter/waitress gentling trying to probe your consciousness into wakefulness by asking ‘how everything was’ as you breath over your one cup. Asleep and oblivious, ignorant and self absorbed you didn’t hear the undertones of “Your ass is not buying shit, so get the fuck out, we have waiting customers to serve”. You’re far too high above that, your $4.50 earned you the right to own that place and then you’d go and write a negative review because your coffee was cold when you remembered to drink it between your lame gossip and social media updates.

So please cafe hogs, do the world a favour and buy your coffee take away and go and sit in a park, a car or in the gutter, I don’t care but leave cafe’s alone for paying obliging customers who are mindful that the place is a business and others are waiting to give their money. The world doesn’t revolve around you so wake the fuck up.

Men who don’t know where they stand


This reality is better realised from a young age.
Too many anxieties are created in both men and women because they hold on to a false notion that they own a part of the world or that the world owes them recognition. The world bore you and will swallow you just as quick and as randomly as it chooses.
God does not discriminate. He created and took the life of many a sage, Prophet and noble person before us, we are not that precious.






Tread lightly


Whilst everyone is busy making their mark in this world, somewhat proving they exist, I’m trying to figure out how not to leave any trace of my existence, no footprint or burden on the earth and it’s inhabitants to accuse me of anything when my corpse is fed back to the earth, lest they extract their rights from me.



What matters

what matters1

I have come to the realisation that the most

important thing for me to do as a human

being is to arouse the deep seated

conviction and belief of the insignificance of

my existence. As a man the goal is amplified

by the reality of it having to be aroused as

quickly and early as possible in life.

As such, my children will learn to be better

human beings by acknowledging their

inferiority from a very young age.

There is no chair available for ego at

the dinner table in my house.


Coarse Courses are not a Curse


The curse of the course is that it can be coarse.

The beauty of coarseness can only be appreciated by those who have travelled the course.

Is it then really a curse?

There is only one type of person who has travelled the course.

He alone can show you the beauty of coarseness.

He will most certainly lift the curse.