You DID mean those words.

What manifests on the tongue, is present in the heart.
The adage is clear.

But the cliché defence to someone denying they meant what they said, or coming across with a half arsed apology is always ‘Oh, I didn’t really mean it from the heart, I just said it in anger.’

You see that doesn’t quite work with me. Not someone who sees your insecurities from a mile away. Not someone who doesn’t say what they don’t mean. Not someone who takes words seriously, and without boast, can put them together to make something coherent and legible.

It’s hard to tell someone who takes words seriously that what you say is not really what you meant in a half baked apology. You’d succeed much more if you acknowledge your mistake, your fuck up for lack of more colloquially contextual vernacular and own your mistakes like an adult.

Your tantrum throwing is not becoming of your age. How long can you continue in your dramatic outpourings and then sweep them under the carpet of , ‘I didn’t mean if from the heart.’ Guess what? The dirt is spilling out from the sides, it’s been one time too many, the boy who cried wolf and all that stuff, ya’ know?

No, it’s impossible that you’re a prophet or prophetess. You were not divinely inspired by God, words didn’t magically appear on your tongue and force your palate, lips, teeth and throat to engage with breaths of life to produce sounds by sheer instance. You’re not speaking to a moron who doesn’t understand a myriad of psycho-spiritual-emotional as well as anatomical-biochemical-physiological underpinnings that make us who we are as human beings. You insult me.

You can’t pass that on me and expect me to retort with the traditional, ‘it’s ok, all is forgiven.’ Not when for thirty eight years of my life I have been subject to your treatments, yes, even when I was five, I remember clearly the bullshit you would try to pass off, just utter bullshit.

There’s a one way relationship here, I know who you are, I’ve made it my mission to observe your every movement, silently. You know nothing about me. Zilch!

If I asked you tomorrow what my deepest passions are, you wouldn’t have a clue.

But that’s beyond the point now, the point is, If you didn’t mean them from your heart, you sure as hell meant them from your mind. You thought them up, which is actually worse.

The mind is a filthier place, it can justify things that are unjustifiable, like I have now, choosing not to forgive you, as filthy as that is, not for any other reason than to snap you out of your fucking slumber. Wake the fuck up and own who you are, you’re still a child without any iota of man/womanhood.

Having developed genitals and becoming a parent does not make you a man or a woman. You’re still stuck in boyhood and girlhood.

So don’t fake your apologies and don’t lie to me. You’d get a lot further telling the truth, even if you are abrasive with me.

W.E.